One of the stranger issues I encounter, working with clients, comes from making a kind of vow, usually in childhood. Unlike so many other blocks to freedom, this one is self-imposed. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that’s certainly what’s behind this sort of vow.
It all starts with encountering an unpleasant person. It might be a parent, sibling, teacher or relative, just about anyone we were forced to endure, long enough for them to make a strong, negative impression on us.
For us, this person embodies some sort of offensive, off-putting characteristic. We just can’t stand them – they’re awful! And so, we make a vow to never ever be like them.
That’s not such a bad idea, right? The problem is, the younger we are, the more we tend to see things in black and white, absolute terms. In other words, we’re likely to take an all-or-nothing approach which, combined with the emotional intensity behind the vow, can set us up for some serious limitations.
Years ago, I coined this psychological equation: 180 degrees from dysfunction is equal and opposite dysfunction. And that’s what we’re signing up for – a polarization with some negative quality, characteristic or behavior.
If we’re reacting to someone who is aggressive, we’re apt to become a human door mat. If the person we can’t stand is selfish, greedy or stingy, we might become over-giving, generous to a fault, compulsively spending and ending up in debt.
A rejection of arrogance might lead to intense self-deprecation. We can’t take a compliment, give others credit for our own work and end up getting passed over for promotions.
Having to endure someone pathetically needy, our childhood vow might lead to extreme independence, refusing to ask for or receive help from anyone, ever.
Another problem is that our strong negative emotional charge gives the polarity a kind of magnetic charge. Whatever the issue is, we end up drawing unwanted people and situations into our life, experiencing both ends of the polarization over and over. It can be maddening!
This is where EFT tapping can really shine. Remember, the ‘F’ in EFT stands for Freedom, and in this case that translates to the whole thing becoming a non-issue. Once the emotional charge is tapped away, it just stops showing up in our life. What a relief.
Here are a few ideas for making that happen.
First of all, not all problems share this dynamic. If you’ve been dealing with some long-standing issue, is there a polarization? For example, if you’ve struggled to make enough money (or keep it) do you have a strong aversion to greed? If so, is there a person who exemplified that quality when you were little?
That’s usually an easy question to answer: “Oh yeah, my uncle Pete was a total snob. I hated how he treated dad, just because he had a nicer house and car.” That sort of thing.
If you’re a bit more shy and reserved than you’d like, are you seriously repelled by loud, brash self-important people? Was there an avatar of arrogance you had to put up with when you were little?
Sometimes there might have been an Avatar for both ends of the pole, and as children we thought we had to choose between them: I can either be a happy-go-lucky spendthrift like dad, or a penny-pinching worrier like mom. If there was no healthy alternative being demonstrated, it can seem like a binary choice.
It's fascinating to me that even the most brilliant adults can be trapped in this sort of childish perspective. It’s black and white, on or off, with no middle ground. As a child, the choice was obvious, but now we’re stuck with it. That is, until we become consciously aware of what’s going on.
Awareness though, isn’t always enough to release our vow. We may still be stuck with the original negative emotional charge we felt toward the person who go the ball rolling for us. And, of course, that’s where tapping comes in. We can validate our Younger Self’s feelings of disgust, anger, fear or shame, while tapping away the intensity as close to zero as we can.
Once we’ve de-polarized whatever issue was plaguing us, we’re now free to explore the healthy middle ground. The faux choice between aggressiveness and being a wimp, for example, resolves into assertiveness and good boundaries! In that middle ground we can enjoy both generosity and the security of having savings.
Sometimes, to loosen up the polarization, I suggest that my client take a few little steps in the direction of the person they rejected so hard. I reassure them: “Don’t worry, you’ll never get there! In fact, you could run full-tilt for weeks on end and never even get halfway. It’s safe for you to be a tiny bit more selfish or arrogant or aggressive or thoughtless or needy or whatever it is. You just need a tiny, homeopathic dose.”
Tapping away the self-inflicted limitation of a childhood vow gives us a wonderful new dose of freedom. In a sense, we’re swapping out being ‘good’ for being more whole and authentic. Amazingly, with EFT, it’s not that hard to do!
Copyright Rob Nelson 2023
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