As children we have a powerful need to believe in the goodness of our parents.
If you think about how helpless we are as infants and small children, this just makes sense. As children, our mom and dad are pretty much our whole world. Not only that, they become our templates for all men and women. Our family becomes our template for the world; for how life works.
If we start to realize that mom and/or dad really aren’t very good, or that they’re actually bad people, our world becomes overwhelmingly terrifying and chaotic.
Our need to deny such a realization is equally overwhelming, and requires misplaced responsibility. Whatever bad thing may be happening, it has to be our fault. The thinking goes: If only I was a better kid, dad wouldn’t be so angry. Mom wouldn’t be so cold and distant.
The Need for Control
This isn’t just childish self-centeredness, it’s a desperate attempt to feel some semblance of control. If it’s my fault, there’s at least some hope. Maybe I can change. Maybe I can figure out what I did wrong. Or change what’s wrong with me. Maybe then dad won’t be so mean. Maybe then mom will stop drinking and we’ll have a happy family.
Except, of course, that none of this is true. Mom and dad were messed up long before their kids showed up. It’s pretty safe to say, it’s never the child’s fault, really, even if they begin acting out.
Ironically though, the worst parents will actively blame and shame their children, essentially for being born, heavily reinforcing these mistaken beliefs. What a nightmare.
As we get older, we may begin making excuses for our parent’s bad behavior. It’s just another way to shield ourselves from the frightening reality that maybe they actually suck. Understanding, empathy and compassion are generally wonderful things, but not in service to a delusion. Not at the expense of our own self-esteem.
Even if our parents were pretty much awesome, no parent is perfect. At some point they messed up. It’s inevitable. And yet we’re still hardwired for deciding it was our fault. Mom and dad have to be okay. At least when we’re little.
Here’s the thing: There are hidden costs to keeping our parents up on a pedestal.
What’s the Harm?
Aside from the inadvertent harm to our self-worth, the ‘pedestalization’ of our parents may actually get in the way of our own transition into adulthood, hampering the realization of our own sovereignty.
As children we literally ‘look up’ to our parents, and perhaps we get into the habit. As we go through life, many of us look up to anyone who seems ‘bigger’ than us. People who have more status, money, power or fame; who are better looking, more clever, accomplished, funny or athletic than us – we tend to look up to them, right?
That’s a problem if we’ve never graduated from our childish perspective and looking up automatically feels like we’re inferior. Instead of admiring a specific skill or attribute, we may believe that ‘bigger’ person is just better than us.
But no one is better than you at being you.
As a self-aware human being, you have your own individual spark of Divinity within you. You are one with God and your life has incredible significance. You are here on Earth to be you and no one else can do that job. No one is above you.
If we still have mom and/or dad up on a pedestal though, it’s nearly impossible to see ourselves this way, as sovereign equals. If they’re up there, then we’re down here. We’ve assigned ourselves a lower status, and that makes it all too easy to transfer a higher status onto other would-be authorities. Not good!
False Idols
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s no shortage of people who LOVE being looked up to: Gurus, experts, authorities, celebrities, influencers, business and political leaders, narcissists. They adore it, much like a junkie adores his heroin.
Can you see how keeping our parents up on a pedestal might make us more susceptible to being ruled over and exploited? Many people seem stuck in a childlike state – they actually want someone to tell them what to do. They need to believe that authorities have their best interests at heart, and this creates an almost militant gullibility.
An absolute refusal to “question authority,” to recognize hypocrisy (or even betrayal) on the part of those we’ve looked up and trusted is literally infantile, going right back to those helpless feelings of being very small. Not a healthy space to hang out in.
Fear of losing one’s idols is like cognitive dissonance on steroids, sometimes provoking outrage toward anyone trying to provide a reality check, not unlike the “don’t you dare say anything bad about my mommy” rage a young child might exhibit. Only instead of mommy, it might be a politician, celebrity or television personality.
Reality Check with a Side of Tapping
As part of my strange and wonderful career, I’m often in the position of offering just such a parental reality check for my clients. I’ve even coined a term for it: “Throwing mom/dad under the bus.” I do point out that it’s only temporary – just long enough for my client to stop blaming themselves for their parent’s bad behavior.
Happily, EFT tapping makes the whole process much easier and less scary.
The real point of all this is to undo the mistaken decisions of our Younger Selves: that things were bad because we’re unworthy, unlovable, bad, too demanding, selfish, stupid, ugly, dirty or whatever.
I believe many of us go through life unconsciously trying to prove our parents were okay, that we deserved what we go. We do this by endlessly demonstrating how messed up we are and ruining our own lives. It’s absolutely tragic.
It seems that we can’t really forgive someone unless we admit there’s something to forgive. Hence, throwing mom/dad under the bus.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-parent! It’s a tough and often thankless job. And even those of us who make a solid effort to do right by our kids still face the subconscious pressure to reenact whatever abuse we experienced from our own parents. Despite our best efforts, no one seems to come through childhood unscathed, and certainly none of us belong up on a pedestal.
At this point in history, I believe the world needs us to graduate into true adulthood, to show our would-be rulers the door, to step into authority for our own lives, and reclaim our individual sovereignty.
Part of that is seeing our parents as real people who were playing a role for us, removing their status as template for all people. Allowing ourselves to take an honest look at how they messed us up allows us to heal, ideally finding an honest place of forgiveness and even gratitude for it all.
Copyright Rob Nelson 2023
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