Have you ever had a crush on someone? It can be pretty intense! And when a crush gets reciprocated, watch out! There are few drugs more potent than falling in love. And few experiences more devastating than breaking up. According to Carl Jung, what’s really going on here is projection. The object of our affection seems so perfect and wonderful because we’re actually projecting our own idealized inner feminine/masculine archetype onto them. Jung called these archetypes the Anima (the perfect feminine) and Animus (the male counterpart). But honestly, the whole thing is a dirty trick! It’s a dirty trick because it’s totally doomed from the start. Eventually, our projection wears thin, guaranteed. We start to see glimpses of the real person underneath and even if they’re actually pretty great, they’re never going to be that glorious perfect divine being we thought they were. It’s just not possible. In other words, our rosy-pink-bubble is going to pop. Sooner or later reality sets in. If we’re wise to this dynamic, we might let it go gracefully and allow real love a chance to develop. If not, we’re apt to blame our partner (“You’ve changed! You’re not the man I married!”) then bail on them, hoping that next time ‘love’ will last. |
Selection Error
Addiction/recovery specialist Terry Gorski once said the number one relationship problem is selection error. Sometimes people laugh when they hear that. It is kind of a grim joke. Gorski is basically saying that we tend to choose wrong partners and most relationships are pretty much doomed from the start.
I’m sure Mr. Gorski was really on to something, but I don’t believe it’s a selection error at all. We evaluate and select potential partners with uncanny precision. Or rather our subconscious mind does this for us. It just has different goals than ours.
Romantic relationships are the perfect venue for reenacting childhood traumas – those we experienced directly, and the second hand ones, we witnessed our parents going through. Our new partner is almost always a stand-in for Mom and/or Dad.
Meeting someone who will serve us in this way provides a curious kind of excitement. Ironically, another suitor might be hanging around who would make a genuinely awesome partner. They’re loving, loyal, intelligent, successful, and would make a great parent – but they register subconsciously as ‘boring’, unable to provide the needed drama. This is a cruel irony, and I’ve had many clients who deeply regretted rejecting such a person.
Alas, their subconscious mind had other fish to fry.
When we’re growing up, our parents’ relationship (or lack of one) becomes our template. The way they did it is the only way to do it. And no matter how uncomfortable or unhappy it was, anything else feels alien and doesn’t quite fit. For some people, being happy and content for too long can actually generate real anxiety!
As children, if we witnessed fighting, or abandonment, or cheating, or one partner was an addict, an enabler, a belittling critic or long-suffering martyr, or one parent was volatile and terrifying, or cold and emotionally unavailable – our subconscious will find just the right partner to reenact these traumas.
Sometimes it’s not really marriage problems we’re reenacting, but rather our direct relationship with one of our parents. Maybe Mom and Dad got along great, but you were Mom’s scapegoat and suffered terrible verbal abuse. Chances are you’ll find a partner to carry on the scathing.
Remember, the purpose behind all of this reenactment is resolution. The subconscious is trying to get those traumas out of your system in the only way it knows how – repetition. Unfortunately, this strategy rarely works. Maybe it never works. Instead, repetition tends to reinforce our negative beliefs – this really is all I can expect from partnership.
Of course, this whole thing totally sucks. At some point, you might make a solemn vow to never put yourself through something like that again. If Dad and the last three boyfriends were rageaholics, you’ll find someone safe for once. A guy who never even raises his voice, who actually has no access to his anger whatsoever.
At first, this might seem wonderful. Finally, it feels safe to be in partnership. What a relief. But often something weird starts to happen. Your milquetoast partner starts driving you crazy. He’s a doormat! He’s spineless! His limitations become intolerable, and eventually you become the angry partner. You may end up reenacting the same abuse dynamic, but this time as the perpetrator!
Then again, sometimes we’re tricked. Dad was a total deadbeat, so you find someone super successful. He’s really good with money and has an awesome career. Then six months in, through no fault of his own, he loses his job and just can’t find a new one. He feels so bad about letting you down, maybe he starts drinking. So now you’re leaving for work, and he’s lying on the couch in his pajamas, binge-watching Netflix.
Abracadabra, you married your father! No way could you have seen that coming. But your subconscious did.
The good news is that all of this is tappable!
Copyright 2024 Rob Nelson
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